
And that's about as clean as it's going to get.
Well.
I have just spent the last four hours in what can only be described as a domestic whirlwind. There was laundry, there was hospital corner-making, there was floor scrubbing, stove cleaning, counter wiping, and more. I even scrubbed the wine stains off the odd shelf near our table. Such is the extent of my dedication to a clean kitchen.
Why would I do all of this? Because I live in mortal fear of the housing inspection ladies.
Like in any dorm, living at Trinity means putting up with rules and regulations that simply don’t exist in a normal apartment. At my previous institution in Buffalo, this meant being kicked out of your room the night after classes ended before every break, including long weekends. It also meant ‘community builders’ with people in your building whom you never wanted to see, especially not while being forced to make a picture frame out of dried macaroni and construction paper.
At Trinity, it means putting up with the Housing Nazis.
These ladies come bursting through the apartments twice a term, using their keys to get in the flat and then banging on bedroom doors in such a manner that suggests they are about to bust you for some sort of illegal activity. When they knocked last week, I was fresh from the shower, still enrobed, with clothes and towels strewn all over my room, leisurely combing my hair when –

My door. It's very resonant when it comes to knocks.
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.
It’s hard to describe how much the sound of banging on a hollow metal door echoes in a very small bedroom, especially when you’re standing right next to it.
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.
I may or may not have screamed “HOLY CRAP, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS GOING ON?” Down the hall, I could hear the same thing happening to Jillian, who yelled something even more obscene as the housing ladies worked their way down the hall. I dressed faster than I ever had in my life and flung my door open to see a very short, yet very stern, older lady in front of me, poised to pound on my door again.
“Sorry, I’m sorry, I uh –um–” I stammered as I backed up to let her in.
She grunted, then peered around me to look at the room — which, admittedly, was in a poor state for 11 in the morning. She gave a sniff, a brisk nod, and then left my room to inspect the kitchen, taking ten years of my life with her.

Actually, it kind of DOES look like the kind of kitchen where one would find illegal substances.
Too shell-shocked to follow, I listened from my doorway as the Housing Nazis opened and shut our fridge, thoroughly inspected our oven as if looking for illegal substances (as if we’d keep them them there when they clearly don’t check under the mattresses), and murmured to one another in ‘tsk, tsk’ tones.
Finally, with a final “SHAME ON YOU” sigh, the Housing Nazis swept out of the apartment, slamming the front door behind them. Jillian and I emerged, shaken, almost afraid to read the report that we were certain the ladies had left.
They had indeed written us up for 1) an unclean stove, 2) an unclean floor, and 3) not defrosting our fridge. Considering the fact that our other roommate had just done a thorough sweep a few days past when her parents came to visit, I felt this was a little unfair. Shock turned to rage as we realized that defrosting the fridge meant that our teeny little fridge, stocked full of things like milk and yogurt and other items you don’t want to leave outside a cold environment for too long, would be out of commission for several hours, if not several days (there was quite the layer of ice).
Still, we played along. We defrosted the fridge, carting all the perishables to the apartment across the hall and commandeering theirs. We chipped away at two inches of ice, pouring hot water over it for several hours, and stabbing it with a metal knife, despite the warning label that distinctly told us not to.

This is after 15 minutes with a scrubber, a gallon of cleanser, and some serious elbow grease.
Then I went on my whirlwind, Jillian took out our piles of trash and plastic bottles, we cleared the wine bottles off the side shelf, and basically made everything gorgeous. I swear to god, our kitchen has never, EVER been so clean. Granted, the tiles are still falling off the walls and the stovetop has the grime of a decade burnt into parts of it, but the whole place is about as clean as it can get.
If after all that, the Housing Nazis write us up again, I will not be a happy camper.